Blogs Are A Trigger For Me


I have probably started over 50 blogs in my lifetime. I know that is an obscene amount but it’s just a numerical representation of my attempt to reach out, but also my inability to follow through with basically anything. Despite the high number of blogs, the number of active blogs I have created is pretty low. That number is zero. 

One would think that I would have pretty complete portfolio with examples of my work, but instead, I have a graveyard of blogs and nearly nothing to show for the hours I poured into them.

Blogs are a trigger for me and have been since I was about 12 and discovered the internet (which is mind blowing for a knowledge hoarding Autistic). While my intentions were always the best, it always began and ended the same way; in a wave.

The pattern is always the same and has been all my life. It usually goes as such:

1. Get a million dollar idea.
2. Obsessivelythinkaboutitandpacewhiletalkingaboutitnonstopwithouttakingabreath. 
3. Start on million dollar idea at exactly 2:03 a.m.
4. Notice the details I missed in my initial idea and try to figure out the plot holes of my million dollar idea.
5. Lose sight of original idea and go down rabbit hole on minor and insignificant details.
6. Get stressed.
7. Get overwhelmed.
8. Cry
9. Put it away and never open it again OR literally throw the project in the garbage after shredding it to pieces.
10. Go to bed.
11. *Depression has entered the chat.*

Of course, this process varies based on many factors but the skeleton is usually very much the same.

I am 35 now, so sometimes this is me reorganizing my kitchen at midnight, getting lost in organizing the corn, cry, and going dormant for three weeks.

When I was 13/14 years old, this process was me getting a really good idea for a website. Often, it was a blog as I am also a writer. 

But it would start with an idea or a thought for a blog entry. I would start building the blog, get lost in making the alignment *perfect* for sometimes days....and then crash.

Again and again, I would try to start something on the computer to use my very active manic mind, but it always ended with the blog going to the graveyard.

So I’m not even looking at the layout of this yet. I am going to try to stick to this for a little while before I decorate. Because I don’t want to get lost in the details and add another blog to my graveyard.



(Fifteen year old me in the year 2000, living my undiagnosed teenage years as a writer with a family computer.)

Enjoy,

Duckie - The Mad Hatter and The Maker Of The Things
Autistic and Bipolar 





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